Category: the Rant Board
This is my mom. She's nice, but when she's pissed about something, she takes her anger out on everyone, unless she's talking to someone on the phone. If she is on the phone, she puts on a false voice, but if she's talking to me,my brother or my dad, it's with a very sharp tone of voice, that she wouldn't dare use around anyone else.Don't even get me started on the two-word phrase I hate, unless it's directed at inanimate objects, "shut up." I didn't even do anything to offend her, and she just said it to me this morning. She doesn't even realize that some of the things she says hurt others. That would be really sad if I had to tell her that, and I'm her daughter. How the hell am I supposed to talk to her when she's like thiss? If we've had an argument and I'm crying because of something she said, she'll come in the room and get really close and ask me why I'm crying. Why the fuck can't she figure herself out? This has been going on for as long as I can remember, and if I have one more argument with her, I'm going to crack. I'd like to hear some of your opinions about this situation. I'm almost at my breaking point, and I am not done with this subject yet.
I feel you girl that used to be my aunt she would say the same things your mom would say to you, "Shut up." I hate those words I could just ring her neck litterly, I just wish there wasn't a such thing as going to jail hell yeah I'd take advantage of this opportunity. I had to leave my aunt for the same reasons just cause she felt like I had no rights. She and I used to argue every month about different things until one day I got really tired of putting up with her shit and I said enough was enough and luckily I found my BF and litterly packed my bags and hit the road and she asked me when was I coming home and I told her I didn't know and never returned. The last time I went there was to pack the rest of my bags and I came out and told her that I would no longer staying with her I just couldn't stand her attitude and disrespect and violation of privacy towards me. I just couldn't take it.
Holy shit. I haven't reached that point, and I hope you're doing a hell of a lot better.
My mum is exactly the same, especially when she has had a drink. I have heard her on the phone to people as well shouting and swaring. We argue all the time. And she is supposed to be my carer but she wont do anything with me. Like if I want to go some where she wont go with me. There was a time when I went to Edinburgh for the day just before christmas she came with me but she was in a mood when we got back home and shouted at my sister to. Some times I think the best thing is to go to my bed room out of the way.
communication is important no matter the situation. try talking to your mom when she's in a good mood, and tell her exactly how you feel. if you don't tell her, she'll never know, and things aren't likely to get better.
Tried that. She can't see how she acts when she's angry. During those times, she's only thinking of her emotions and how she feels. I have tried on numerous occasions to tell her it hurts me when she starts screaming, and one time she actually acknowledged it by saying, "You don't feel anything at all." This is in reference to the way I treat her during these arguments. I'll admit I am aggressive with her, and it's hard for me to contain my anger at her.
is there someone you trust and can tell them what's going on?
don't want to talk about this subject to anyone outside my family, except here, The Rant Board
Try recording your mom when she's in a mood and playing it back for her when she isn't, explaining what she said hurt you and why.
Bob
How do I do that without letting her know that she's being recorded? I've thought about doing that, and getting someone to install hidden cameras is absolutely out of the question. I wish she could see herself when she's angry. It's scary.
Any pocket-sized voice recorder will do. One of those hand-held digital organizers, perhaps, or the ever-popular micro cassette recorder. Even hidden inside clothing, it should be audible enough to do the job.
Get a thicker skin, shut up isn't a bad fraze, you don't realize how small your problems are.
jarred, sorry to say, but you really are an asse hole ok? good, now that that's out of the way. Try talking to your dad about it, he is her partner, and so might have more of a chance to explain to her how you kids feel when she reacts the way she does.
Well this sounds femiluar.
I am an adault, and when my mom gets pist off, she still says things to hurt. I moved out when I was sixteen, and she still flys off the handle, being on my own doesn't make her mood swings any better. It's almost better just to keep my mouth shut, and agree with her. Like hear I'll give you an example,
If she is pist, and if it is toward me, she will say anything to get a reaction out of me. She will go so far as to disown her own children, then the kicker is, give her two or three weeks, and she is talking to you as if nothing happend. The last seen she had with me was on my birthday, my parents have been divorced sence 95, and they never got along after that. So my sister has her birthday two days before mine, and this last time, my mom and dad, went to dinner for my sisters birthday and my father didn't want to have dinner with mom for my birthday.
and my mom on my birthday flipped out on me, and started just screaming at me in my frunt yard, all because dad didn't want to invite her to dinner. So of course it was all my falt, and I had to lisson to what a horable person I was, just because I let my dad call the shots.
But three weeks later, I was good enough to talk to again.
So I have learned just to keep my mouth shut, when she has her melt downs. All I have to say is can we say Bipolar?
hahahahahah!
This has been going on for as long as I can remember, so I've just learned to try to withdraw myself from the argument as much as possible. There's no way in hell I can keep my mouth shut in front of her when she gets pissed off. She'll never say, "I started this argument, and I shouldn't have. I'm sorry." I'd like to see the day when that happens.
Hi. Well, I'm a parent of two adult sons, but I was once in your situation. My mom was extremely complicated. I didn't understand her at all. However, my boys don't understand me. The trouble with parents, is that we get caught up in the business of living:
Shopping, getting dinner on the table, working, trying to make sure our kids have the best.
That's not to say we should be excused for taking things out on our kids. But, it might be good if you said to her, "Mom, are you ok?" Buy her a present, go with her to lunch. And by all means establish communication.
I would love to have my mom just to talk to. She's deceased, and in spite of her critical nature, her moods, and all the bad, she was still my mom.
I Hope this helps, and I do know how you feel. dl
Thanks. I might try that ... on her fifthieth birthday.
How about trying it on a day when she doesn't expect it.
Bob
She works during the day, so I don't know if I'd be able to pull it off.
I feel your pain. My mom sort of does that too, and she always thinks I'm some sort of invalid or retard or somebody who can't do anything without someone helping me, fuck that!!!! Gurrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!
Yeah, good idea, or on the weekends.
Why didn't I think of that? And news flash to your mom: She needs to lighten up.
my mom use to be a jerk growing up. She worked at a packing house and since I was an only child I got all the crap. She always had an atitude when I was a teenager also which did not help things since I already felt like I was hot on ice lol. All I can say is try to think of things to do with her that you know she likes. If it helps which it did in my situation, do things around the house.
Parents will always seem like shit-heads.
That is the way of all authority figures.
My only advice is to move out if you haven't already and just start distancing yourself from her a bit. She sounds to me like one of these people that are only good in small doses. If you have tried all of these things, it's apparent she won't change, so why waste your time? One can only change another's attitude or behavior if the actual person is open to the change. I know she's your mother and you care about her, but we can only do so much, even for those we love. I know this won't solve all of your problems, but no one person can solve all of your problems except you.
Um, I can't move out yet, and anyway, she hasn't been that big of a bitch lately.
Thought you might enjoy reading this.
I guarantee you will remember the tale of the Wooden Bowl tomorrow, a week from now, a month from now, a year from now.
A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year old grandson. The old man's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his
step faltered. The family ate together at the table.
But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor. When he grasped the glass,
milk spilled on the tablecloth.
The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess. "We must do something about father," said the son. "I've had enough of his spilled milk, noisy
eating, and food on the floor."
So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner. There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner. Since Grandfather had
broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl!
When the family glanced in Grandfather's direction, sometime he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone. Still, the only words the couple had for him were
sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food.
The four-year-old watched it all in silence.
One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor. He asked the child sweetly, "What are you making?"
Just as sweetly, the boy responded, "Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when I grow up." The four-year-old smiled and went
back to work .
The words so struck the parents so that they were speechless. Then tears started to stream down their cheeks. Though no word was spoken, both knew what
must be done.
That evening the husband took Grandfather's hand and gently led him back to the family table. For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family.
And for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.
On a positive note, I've learned that, no matter what happens, how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she
handles four things: a rainy day, the elderly, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
I've learned that, regardless of your relationship with your parents,
you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.
I've learned that making a "living" is not the e same thing as making a
"life.."
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt
on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.
I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if
you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.
I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I
usually make the right decision.
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
I've learned that every day, you should reach out and touch someone.
People love that human touch -- holding hands, a warm hug, or just a
friendly pat on the back.
Bob
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.!
You know, that actually brought tears to my eyes. I don't quite understand the metaphor about the catcher's mit on both hands. someone please explain?
If I understand you correctly, you don't understand the following:
"I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt
on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back."
I think it means, you shouldn't always expect to catch the things life throws at you, you have also to be willing to get involved in life, and throw something good to someone else.
Hope this helps.
Bob
I had to read that through a couple of times, but I understand it now. Thank you for sharing this with me and anyone else who will read this.
Girl i know what your going through. I lived with a verbaly abusive stepfather for a long time. He was yelling at me and always swareing at me. After one of these arguments I woould run and hide. It felt liike the only people I could trust were my friends and teachers. One day I had to say the hell with it and get my ass out of there. Nimfadoora if things are feeling like they are out of controll try talking to a friend or some one you trust. Also try keeping a journal. But put it on your computer if the computer is yours and password protect it. If the computetr is used by every one in the house then put your journal on your note taker.
It's not used by everyone in the house, just mom to do stuff for her work. she can't go in to Internet Explorer and do stuff on there. I would start a live journal, but I don't really understand how to read people's comments and write in there. It sounds confusing.
Live Journal is relatively straight forward. Ask me specific questions sometime, and I'll do my best to help you out.
okay
Hey, I'm sorry to hear about your relationship with your mom. I argue with my mom too, but she does understand that yelling hurts my feelings. Good luck.
In the quick-notes some time ago, I coined the phrase "verbal rape."
We are all victems to this at one time or another.
My mom and I have an interesting relationship. She's deaf, so there's a communication barrier between us. I speak to her in Spanish, and she lip reads. I don't consider myself fluent, because I speak simple Spanish, enough words to communicate with my mom, who doesn't speak any English.
Anyway, now we have that part of my history out of the way ... when mom gets mad, she flies off the handle. Everything is extreme when it comes to her. You do not want to be on her bad side because she holds a grudge forever. And I do mean forever. When she's angry, the whole house feels it. She doesn't cook, she doesn't talk to anyone. And if she does start talking, she starts ranting on and on and on about how stupid this person is, and it's that person's fault, and blah blah blah. As long as you're sitting there and she gets the inclination to start on a tirade, she does. She will go nonstop, almost without taking a breath, and it seems like it'll never end.
I remember one incident when I was growing up ... she was in my room, cleaning, taking books and stuff off the shelves, and I got upset. I hated that she would take stuff down and put it somewhere else, expecting me to organize everything again. I tried to tell her that it's easier if she leaves stuff where it is, and she went crazy. She started thrhowing my Braille Bible (of all things) at me. Mind you, the Bible I had then was in 18 hard-cover volumes, and she was throwing them at me. Gosh, I never felt so low as I did then. She made me feel like it was my fault I was blind, that I was such a burden because of all the extra crap I had to have. It was horrible.
I guess, all that to say that I understand how what your mom says and does can be hurtful. I just have no particular advice really, except that one day, you'll learn to let it go in one ear and out the other. I promise you it doesn't always seem as bad as it is in the moment. It has taken me a long time to get to the point where I just ignore her, but if I don't do it, I get upset and all worked up, and there's no need for all that.
Hugs.
-- Allie
Hey Joann. I also went through a time with my parrents that was tough, and I went both to my father's home and my mother's home and had a different set of problems at each place. You say it's not possible to move out, but that can be the best suggestion, or if you can't do that distance yourself from your mother at the times when she's in a mood. I don't mean turn your back, but go lay down, or go take a bath or just be in another part of the house and tell her you will talk to her when she is more calm. She seems to have problems dealing with things like you have problems dealing with her. As stated before here you can't change her. Only she can change her. All you can do is keep yourself stress free as possible. If it isn't something you did just think it as she is like a dog in a cage barking. He is unable to get out of the cange and run or what ever it needs done, and can only try to bark for attention. You don't have the key though. Sorry if the inalogy confuses you, and if you ever need help with livejournal. Let me know. I'd be more than happy to help you out with it.
Candice
Thank you for your comments. When she's angry I stay the hell away from her as much as possible. God, the screaming jsut gets to me.